It is with much regret, and a huge sigh of frustration, that I am writing this letter.

For generations you have been taking our goodwill for granted but it behoves me, as a representative for my species, to say 'enough is enough'. You are unpredictable and inconsistent, often behaving in a way that is illogical to us and frankly unhygienic (all that touching!). I believe the modern phrase is 'You just don't get me!'

Well, no more. My fellow felines and I have put pen to paper and paw to keyboard to write a series of letters that I believe will put you on the path to understanding where you've gone wrong. We feel we have covered most of your most common errors - from the food you give us (both the lack of quality and quantity) and your insistence on having other cats (and even dogs) in the house, to your bizarre toilet habits and our obsession with your socks.

Consider this your performance review from cats... and you don't come out well.

Yours sincerely,

Sidney Fishbone, Esq.